A Year of Hope

The husband and I moved here in Adelaide, South Australia (after much prodding and convincing) last July 28, 2014. We have faced challenges that tested our character, faith and our belief in ourselves.

It has been a year since I had my second miscarriage. This time it was physically, emotionally and spiritually painful. The time I found out I was pregnant at 11 weeks was the time I found out I miscarried. No big deal - said no one who have been wanting to have a child for more than 8 years! The doctor said it is about 25 - 30% of pregnancies miscarry and there is no way to prevent it.

It has been a year and yes, I still feel sad. There are days when I blame myself and wished I have done things differently. There are days when I think about how my baby would look like had he not gone sooner than we've come to known him. There are days when I doubt the grace of God to heal me from the pain.

It has been a year and yes, I go on. I go on and not move on. There is no moving on on losing a love one. There is no moving on in grief. I go on. I go on to enjoy the beauty of each day brings. I go on to love my husband who, not only gives me what I need, does everything to make me happy. I go on to be grateful with God for showing me that He is faithful through the kindness and charity of friends and strangers. I go on because I know with each pain comes great blessings.

How Do You Grieve?

Or, do you grieve for someone else's loss? Is it even a question?

I am beset with sadness I cannot fathom and yet I can't shed a tear. The choking of my throat is enough to tell that my body is aching, emotionally.

My bestfriend lost her barely three-month old son. My godchild. I haven't seen him yet since we're miles apart. I was an absentee sponsor during his baptism. Nevertheless, I felt I was there as my friends and the mommy shared the wonderful day of welcoming their first born to the christian world.

When it was time for her to leave for her overseas job I felt her pain of being away from her son. Ahh, the essence of her being a woman has finally been revealed. She is in-love! Love, that only a mother can understand.

Then, last night barely two hours from receiving a news from a common friend that her baby is critical to getting an sms from my bestfriend, I lost my godchild a few hours ago. That, killed me. Instantly.

So many thoughts suddenly ran through my mind. I tried to call her but she begged off. I don't know what to reply to her. I cannot say "be strong" when I know that strength has lost her at that moment. I cannot say "everything will be ok, soon" when things for her might be a dreadful nightmare. I cannot even say "just trust in God and pray" when I can feel that sprititualizing the situation is not what she needs.

All I can say is that I am here. Her friends are here. I feel like flying back where she is just to embrace her. And, that I love her.

She don't want other people to know. She is shutting out. She wanted to process things by herself. All I can do is support her on her way of coping with the tragedy. Yes, pray for her and her family.

My mind is still clouded. It's so unreal. This isn't happening. Why would an innocent child have to die? Why does he have to go so soon? Why does it have to happen to someone close to me.

My bestfriend is in pain. Its hurting me so much that I can't do anything. I am grieving. Grieving for losing my godchild, for the loss of the mother and for my bestfriend's partly-death.